WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
(The Second Crossing)

(Alfred Chickcock)

Not being satisfied to let things lay,
one of you wrote in with a few ideas of your own.

Rush Limbaugh:

Because I, a gift from God, told you it was going to cross the road and I am never wrong because I am excellence in broadcasting and the purveyor of the only true truth and that chicken was, by definition-as is obvious to one of my superior intellect-a craven fowl or a foul raven, and I have it on the highest authority that it was a pinko-liberal feminazi environmental wacko. I also, sitting here in MY EIB studio with one hand tied behind my back and the other tied to my source of conservatively-sanctioned instant gratification, know for a fact that that bird was an Arkansan chicken, which is-for the edification of my friends in Rio Linda-clear evidence that it was intimately involved with a certain chicken, waiting-to-exhale, gay-loving politician whose wife frightens all right-thinking Amuricans because she thinks and wears pants and gawd knows what else. God save Amurica!

Newt Gingrich:

DSM:

It was clearly suffering from GID - gizzard identity disorder. In such cases, road-crossing is simply an acting out of juvenile fantasies which, if left untreated, can lead to the wearing of duck feathers and the like. Luckily, if the disorder has been identified in early chickenhood, there are numerous treatments available. E.g., thermo-chemical intervention (salt and pepper to taste; 375 degrees for 25 minutes); electro-shock therapy (microwave instead of convection oven). If the condition is diagnosed at it's earliest stage, the psychiatric profession has still not resolved whether scrambling is preferable to therapy. However, studies suggest that these two approaches may produce identical results, though therapy is the best course if in doubt because it is more lucrative.

Jeffrey Dahmer:

O.J. Simpson

It was just killing time. Or, maybe it was playing golf. And, it's gloves didn't fit.

Southern Baptist:

Henny Youngman: