December 8, 2005
Last night I dreamt I made love to my mother.
It was very weird: she’s not my type.
In my dream, I realized she had returned from the dead,
and I wanted to give her a special present.
Although she was uncomfortable with the act, she did not resist.
When I awoke, more surprised than appalled, I realized
the scenario was just my subconscious mind’s symbolic way of passing
information up to a level of awareness.
Simply put, I had just realized my mother was a lesbian.
She had never said anything to me to indicate this, and
yet, quickly mulling over what I knew of her earlier life coupled with my
own experiences with her, it all fit.
But what importance was this to me?
And why would it come to mind now, of all times?
I can’t be sure, but perhaps it is somehow associated
with one other notion I found stuck in my mind as I came to: I used to think
of myself as a boy who had some wanky biochemical events occur during
pregnancy that gave me the mind of a girl instead.
I now see myself as a girl whose biochemically screwed up time in the
womb gave me the body of a boy instead.
A subtle semantic difference perhaps, but nonetheless significant I
am sure.
I recall from my childhood that all the women in my
family seemed a little weird to me: my grandmother who was always reading
books on the meaning of the conscious mind and getting in touch with the
true nature of self, my mother who went to classes in self-hypnosis and
wanted to be a writer and psychologist but never was, my aunt with the
strangest sense of humor I have ever encountered, my other aunt who
journeyed to the communist block in the early thirties, brought back films
on the life there, chartered theaters in Hollywood in which to screen them,
and was followed by the FBI who kept her on a list.
Then there was the cousin who ran away from the Midwest and came to
Hollywood, thereby making all the local papers back home.
And the other cousin who lived some vaguely referenced seedy life and
was eventually killed by her boyfriend.
Each of these women was exceedingly strong willed.
And whenever two or more of them got together at the house, it seemed
more like a meeting of a secret society that a coffee clutch.
If I were to find out they all had double lives as top degree members
of the Illuminati Council, I would not at all be surprised.
I really believe there is some odd gene that runs along
the female line in my family. It
manifests itself in unique and different ways in each woman it touches.
I have it, and perhaps I’ve passed it on to my daughter as well.
I don’t know about the men.
They all seemed pretty odd to me to, but then again, that might be
just because they are men. Most
of them were withdrawn and sparing in their emotions, tended to get loud
around one another, treated their women like appliances, and were given to
alternating fits of morose and anger.
Yeah… they were
probably just normal men.
Interesting retrospective speculations all.
But are they worth anything? Can
I do anything with them? Conceivable,
but right now I haven’t got a clue.
Oh, and as for the lip thing? Swelling is down today and the result is becoming prettier
each day.
12:19 p.m.
Okay, so as not to leave my readers in the dark, I did
promise occasional updates on how things resolved.
Here’s one: I
just looked over at Teresa, working at her computer desk. She looks even prettier and more feminine today than ever
before. In my previous entries,
this both attracted me and also caused me pain, as I felt I was not the same
sort of creature, nor could I be. I
lamented her apparent reality and inner peace, while I seemed to myself a
pretending half-ling, with nothing but angst for my lot.
Now, I see nothing but her beauty. There is no elation at having my lip done, but just a simple
confidence that I too look pretty and natural.
And from this grows a closeness as I gaze across at her, rather than
a feeling of separation.
So, if you’re keeping score, that’s one pain gone
and replaced with gentle contentment.
6:04 p.m.
This afternoon we took my first trip into town since my
surgery. Teresa wanted to drive
into town to our favorite candy shop (the home of Hangtown Justice
Fudge – green in color made with pistachio and jalapenos). Since my energy level was up a bit today, I joined her for
the trip.
Partly, I just wanted to get out of the house, but I
also wanted to do two other things: One,
to see if I would really feel confident out in the world, and two, to put
Dr. Ousterhout’s handiwork to the test.
You see, I still have the stitches in, which run from
the outside of one nostril, under the nose, and up around the outside of the
other nostril. It looks like a
spindly little mustache. I
figured that if the shape of my face after the lip reduction and curl was as
good as I thought it might be, I would be able to relate to people face to
face without gender being and issue, even with the stitches.
Just before we left, our landlady arrived to check on
the progress of some workers she had hired to make some improvements.
I’ve never felt that she saw me any other way than as how I
presented myself, and yet I was always nervous speaking with her as I feared
that something might give me away as being other than she had thought.
When Teresa and I stopped to speak with her, it was my
first face to face contact with another human being since surgery.
I wanted to see if the positive feelings I had about my appearance
continued to hold in conversations with others.
Sure enough, I felt differently than I had at any other
time in my life, through all the years as far back as I can remember.
I felt a simple confidence, not to be confused with a superior sense
of self, but rather just a notion that I was in no danger of being seen as
anything other than I am. A certainty that I was whole, and normal, and consistent
inside and out.
I’m sure she didn’t treat me in any way other than
the friendly manner she has always expressed, but it really did feel
different. I’ve never been at
ease around people in social scenarios, yet today I was. It was really pleasant to just be myself and to know with
absolute conviction that was how I would be seen to others as well.
We bid our farewells, and then took off down the road
to town. Along the way,
I could not believe the peace in my heart.
I’ve never driven anywhere without fear that I would be judged by
those around me, and tension that I must be on guard at all time to avoid
appearing improper, odd, or flawed. Instead,
I could look at the scenery, converse with Teresa, and just enjoy the day
for what it was without fears of my presentation clouding it all.
When we arrived in town and parked, we strolled
up the street and into the store. Here
was the real acid test for both the real world effects of Dr. O’s changes
to my face and for my confidence in the impact of those changes.
First off, I was smiled at a lot in ways I don’t
recall ever having been – even, mind you, with the glaringly obvious line
of stitches across my upper lip. And
I don’t know how or why, or if it was just perception, but people in the
store looked me right in the eyes with a wide smile in human connection, and
I returned the gaze during every conversation.
I’ve never been comfortable making eye contact before when dealing
with strangers, and usually have averted my eyes.
But today, I was so sure of how Dr. O has made me look, that I simply
enjoyed the interchange.
I never once had the hint of a problem the whole time
out, and never worried that there would be one.
Afterward, Teresa noted that she herself had seen how differently I
was treated, in addition to noting the new way she was treated as well.
So here it is… Another
major angst is resolved as a result of my minor FFS experience.
My inability to connect to others one on one, which has undermined my
attempts to make friends, has vanished.
And the constant anxiety of being worried that someone might see me
as a man is simply not there anymore.
For the scorecard, these are two other issue that
pained me so over the years, and were irritated and amplified to such a
degree by Teresa’s FFS, that have now been fully resolved, all due to the
gift I have been given by the skills and humanity of Dr. Ousterhout.
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