November 26, 2005
I’m writing this entry from
our friends’ house in Pine Mountain Club.
B is making bacon for BLTs for lunch, and S is off to the market for
some more bread. It is ice cold
here. Literally below freezing.
I had almost forgotten how chilly it got here up at 6,000 feet!
It was a lot warmer in Burbank
last night when I ventured out to visit the family.
Our second guest had arrived, remained awhile with many jokes and
puns shared among us, then I set off for Sav-On Drugs to buy wrapping paper
and a few more Advent presents for my kids.
Arriving at the house, Mary
greeted me warmly with a kiss. We
still feel very close, even though we have not lived together for nine years
now. While watching TV, I
wrapped the gifts and we spoke on various topics.
One concern Mary had was that
I seemed more distant from her, as if I had run up North to get away from
her. But I assured her that my
commitment to our relationship and marriage was and would forever remain
sound. I will continue to look
after her, provide the house she lives in, and be there if and when she ever
needs me. And in addition, I
still very much enjoy her company, and look forward to ongoing visit and
continued correspondence between us. In
fact, I urged her to be more proactive in her communications with me, so
that I too could feel her living interest in me as well.
Upon returning to the hotel, I
found that Teresa had fallen into a depression herself.
Two things had precipitated this:
First, she was about out of emotional energy as a result of holding a
firm supportive line in the face of my recent tantrums, and second, both
friends who had come over did not take the initiative in discussing her
recent changes.
For Teresa, seeing these old
friends was looked forward to as the moment at which she would be told how
good she looked, and how much of an improvement was made: how much more
feminine, perhaps how more female she appeared.
But, these were two guys.
And secondly, no one knows how to respond to cosmetic surgery since
they don’t want to say, “Hey, thank God you did this.
You look SO much better. You
used to look like shit!” And
because they can’t figure out what exactly is appropriate to say, they
don’t say anything. In
addition, many people, are uncomfortable with major facial changes because
they either feel insecure about themselves, or are immediately confronted
with a countenance to which they have no existing emotional ties.
What’s more, the person who had the surgery may have already begun
to alter their personalities due to behavioral modification caused by how
casual interactions with strangers have changed how they automatically
respond. Taken altogether,
people tend not even bring up the obvious, and if pressed offer simplistic,
dispassionate platitudes.
So Teresa, unaware of the
motivations behind these attitudes, misread them as signs that she had
become so abnormal in appearance that her friends could find nothing to say
lest they offend her. And she
began to feel that she may now look more female, but had become ugly or
deformed..
I held her that night, and
comforted her. But also I could
tell her that every time I have finally overcome (with her help) a
protracted depression, I knew it was over because (once she no longer had to
remain strong for me) Teresa would fall into her own depression from the
strain.
Almost always, her “end of
issue” depression was short lived. And
so it was with this one as well. This
morning she awoke in a far better, more playful mood.
And though I recognized that some of it was putting on a positive
demeanor in order to spark a real feeling of well being beyond what was
actually stirring at the moment, the very fact she was making the attempt
was a very encouraging sign.
As the morning progressed, her
energies became increasingly cheerful, until by the time we checked out of
the hotel and set out to visit B & S, she was fully recharged and back
to her usual upbeat self.
Oops. Time for lunch. Don’t
want to get crumbs on my keyboard, so I’ll knock off for now…
Midnight
Picking up now….
After our visit with B & S (which included a tour of the
foundation and ground floor of the new home he is building there), we
bundled back into the car and set off for home.
Unfortunately, strong winds had blown power lines out of the main
road out of town, so we had to turn around and backtrack for twenty minutes,
then take the back way out over the mountains.
This added a bit of time to our journey, but was a lot faster than
waiting for them to clear the roads.
The trip back was uneventful,
other than an ongoing reaffirmation of our love for one another, and the
growing surety that these emotional demons have finally been exorcised, as
evidenced by the test of time.
Still and all, some of the
tangible ramifications remain as I am still dizzy from almost knocking
myself out by pummeling my forehead the other day.
I am taking the maximum dose of extra-strength Tylenol every six hours to keep the low-level headache at bay, and
hopefully prevent swelling that could cause problems with the ol’ thinking
machine. I hate concussions –
especially when I do it to myself.
Of course, it is probably
unwise at some level to go under anesthetic just ten days after a
concussion, but I’m too set on this path to diverge at this point.
Besides, I just want an end to this journey, and would rather take
any minor chances than delay a conclusion any further.
Besides, (though it may be
something of a rationalization), I have had very little sleep, drove over
400 miles twice within four days, and have been drinking lots of coffee to
stay awake. Those factors may
be the real cause of my dizziness, or at least contributing factors.
So, I’ll keep an eye on it
as the days progress, and if it all clears up or at least improves
noticeably, I’ll just go ahead with the surgery.
But if it gets worse, well then I guess I’ll have to reconsider.
Now, I really hope all the
hubris is ended. I honestly
can’t see any remaining issues within me.
Perhaps there are some, but I can’t feel them, so they are hitherto
unknown, and must not be very powerful.
If this is true, then this journal will likely take on a different
tone during the final week and a half before my surgery.
I’ll keep you up to date on
the (hopefully) mundane events leading up to the lip thingy, then we’ll
close out this little volume and move onto the final book in the trilogy.
If I don’t have problems
with the anesthetic, even considering the potential issues of slamming the
ol’ bean, then I’ll wake up nice and fine and describe life on the other
side: Will I feel as transformed as Teresa?
Will I just feel more confident?
Will it hurt? How will
life appear with the knowledge that I have been inexorably changed into a
female in appearance?
If I do have problems, well,
this little clambake might come to an abrupt end.
I’ll post these last few
entries the night before surgery from our hotel in San Francisco.
If there’s another entry after that, I guess it worked out okay.
If not, guess it didn’t.
Download
Melanie's Entire 108 Chapter 966 Page Diary
Next
Chapter ~~~~ Diary
Home Page ~~~~ Transgender
Support Site Home Page
Directory 
