I have come here for an educated answer. Please read my story. While
though incomplete, it should be sufficient to indicate what I am in the
transgender world. After I learn the what I need to know what I should
do This is really long and thanks in advance for your time
Kelebek
Oh yes, some of the words may be cut up but you can still tell what
they are.
Hi Everyone! , I am in NC and the time has come for me to decide what
I am and what I should do. Warning, this is a long story. I am going
through what I believe to be a decision window in life.
I have strong feelings that almost resemble an addiction when it
comes to wanting to be a girl. There are a series of events in my life
that may have made me feel this way or I maybe have a predisposition to
feeling female. I want to determine which of the two is true.
If it is life events then maybe I could purge or suppress these
desires and feelings. Maybe not. If it is a predisposition, then I must
adjust my life's course and live differently and as a woman.
My comments and ideas certainly are not final answers or I would not
be contacting you and your group. Ready?
1. My father traveled in business until I was about 9 or 10. My
mother worked and was left in the care of my sisters.I would see him
once a month on a weekend. I loved him very much up until he died in
'89. However, when I was 6 or 7, we were outside performing lawn work
and I could not lift or pull whatever it was he asked me. He yelled at
me and he saw me become upset and he called me a sissy. "What are
you?…a sissy?!" I knew what a child of that age knows about being
a sissy. I felt shamed and worthless. I think his intent was to get my
bile up so I would become determined. In fact, I sort of balled up
inside and cried in my soul. Oh well, life goes on. He did not repeat
this and I never spoke to him of it.
2. Around the same time, my older sister (9 years older), called me
to her room. Of course I went because I thought her room was the most
interesting. She was showing me her radio that she had repainted in red
white and blue. I don't recall my response but we had a good
relationship. Now, this is what she did next. She said, "let's see
how you would look with this dress on!" She said it seriously and I
felt it was natural to comply. The strange part is I see here bring the
dress close and raising it above my head to put it on me....then
nothing! I cannot remember anything else about it!
3. My sister left the house when I was nine because she and mom did
not see eye to eye on her choice of boyfriends. It would be 17 years
before I would see her again. My brother was off to the navy (14 years
my senior now deceased). I was now home alone. My mother came to me and
said she had always wanted to do more and give more to me. Now that the
others were gone, I was receiving the majority of the attention but not
physical. I was left without supervision on the premise that I was
mature and could be trusted…."you are not like the other kids. I
wish they had been like you." This kinda of messed me up a little
and I could never take praise too well after that. Dad was busy and
except when we worked in the yard, we spent little time as father and
son.
4. Metamorphosis began to fascinate me at around 10. I watched a film
(with dad!) called Dr Jekyl and Sister Hyde. I began to feel like
someone had shown me a blazing light. My heart leapt at the idea of
consuming a potion and being a girl. I was not consumed in the murderous
plot line at all. I wanted that potion! From then on I watched for films
involving changing from base to something different.
I first thought it was because I was fat and was engaging in
escapism. The urge to be beautiful was so consuming. I wanted the
attention the girls got. I did not want to climb the rope or lift
weights. I wanted to have long hair and be happy and giddy like the
girls I saw. At ten, I knew nothing of sex or what organs looked like. I
wanted to be a girl no matter what.
As time passed, my friends were 95% girls. I was never in the group
of boys and was criticized for hanging out with the girls so I stayed
off to myself. I was getting thinner as I entered the 8th grade but I
had "breasts" still from when I was fat. I heard about them
often. I was embarrassed and tried to hide them, especially from dad. My
mom would buy me tight shirts despite my protesting. I heard about
training bras and not having a penis from my peers and I dreaded the
showers after sports. One boy would always pinch my nipple. Damn kids
are cruel are'nt they? Sports was not required in jr high if you did
band or choir. I chose band and had a calling for it.
I began to experience girls who were now interested in being
attractive rather than their Barbie dolls. I also wanted to be
attractive. A boy with large breasts in an outcast. I knew if I could be
like them I would be accepted. Maslow hierarchy of needs right? They
began to develop breasts and the jeans got tighter. The guys in class
would say "look at those tits!" I would look and feel sorry
for the girl in question. I decided I was a chivalrous type and would
"defend women's honor". I stayed on that course because it
released me from desires to be a girl and turned the desire to stand up
for girls when they were in need. This made me fairly popular with them
and I began to have some relationships that were feminine in nature.
Back at home, I had begun
crossdressing. I did not know what it was
called but I knew I felt reborn everytime I did it and felt that maybe I
would somehow become a girl.
We had an understanding with our neighbors that if they were out of
town, we would watch their place. We also had a key. Our neighbors were
metropolitan and had no children at home. She always wore pretty clothes
and spoke well. I mowed his grass in the summer for extra money which
also gave me an excuse to be on their property. Did I mention we lived
way out in the woods? This was our neighbor's lake house and they only
came on the weekends. The rest of the week was fairly safe for me to
explore their house while my mom and dad were at work.
When I walked in their house I felt like I would burst, it was so
exhilarating! I would try on her bra (stuffed with socks), clothes,
makeup and shoes (too small). She also had a wig. I continued doing this
until one time I had a close call. They came one day while I was in the
house. Fortunately, I was not doing makeup that day. It usually came out
pretty comical anyway. I hid until they were in another part of the
house and then made like I was just coming in to say "hi". I
don't know if they suspected or not but that was the last time. It
scared me so badly.
5. The metamorphic dreams began with puberty. You know, boys usually
experience wet dreams during puberty. I did twice. I would listen to the
guys speak of girls and sex and dreams. To this day, 35 years later, I
have yet to dream of coitus with a woman or man. That it is not with a
man I consider a mercy from God! I do not think I am homosexual at all.
In some dreams I would get close to penetration but I would never
finish. The dream would change.
I remember this one dream...by the way, I am sorry this is so long
and drawn out. I was in this car going down a country road with some
people who were not familiar and not strange either. I asked to get out
so I could go to the bathroom. It was a sunny spring day and I went
behind one of those old graying houses that appeared to be ready to fall
down at any moment. Ok, I am going to urinate right? What I do in the
real world is stand up and aim. In my dream I squatted down. Please
remember that at this time do not know how girls go the bathroom
outdoors. It just seemed natural.
I see myself naked and walking along the edge of the house, the car
is still waiting, I thought to myself in the dream "Why am I naked?
I need clothes." I saw a pair of chic jeans on the ground (they did
not make them for guys then) and without a second thought I put them on.
They were snug but fit. I seemed mold into them. There was also a knit
sweater and I put that on too.
In the dream, I am looking at myself from a distance of about 10
feet. My figure looks like a girl in chic jeans, and sweater. My hair is
now shoulder length. I have breasts bulging under my shirt. The people
in the car call for me to hurry up and the dream takes a neat twist. I
pull off the jeans and my penis is gone and I see the blank space in my
pubic hair. I had never seen a vagina up to that point so I guess that
is why I did not see one in my dream. I so was thrilled that it actually
wakes me up. I am drenched in sweat and there is no erection or
ejaculation. I wanted to go back. I tried to go back to sleep and
restart the dream but we know how that goes.
6. I was getting on to 15 and my music had taken off. I was more a
recluse than ever and I had excellent grades. I decided that I need to
"exercise the demon!" and I began to date girls and was pretty
good at it. I have known many and lost many but was a friend to them
all. Typically, I would burn them out. I was too feeling, too sensitive,
and too possessive. I tried to think like they did so I could know them
better.
I have noticed something about girls. A girl gives great attention
and service to a man who it aloof or apparently unconcerned. He many
show tenderness but it is still tempered with the occasional thorn. A
woman wants him closer and in her circle. She will give him what he
wants so he comes into her space and melds with her. She never shows
inattention because he will go back out to his world without a thought.
He is not going to let woman get the best of him.
When a woman comes across me, she immediately proclaims that she
wishes all men were like me. The truth is that I am in her circle before
it occurs to her lure me there. If I am not a challenge, then she will
eventually become disinterested and move on to someone who treats her
otherwise. You know what they say; "The most beautiful girls always
have an asshole for a boyfriend".
I was fifteen when I first had sex. She was older and we shared a
common way of thinking. I tried to stay in touch with her over the years
and she finally married husband number four and thought it was best to
break contact. I had more relationships and more sex. My days of wishing
to be female seemed all but erased.
Well, one day I was in the band hall and no one else was there. I was
looking for some better pants for my uniform. I came across a pair of
drum major's shorts. I remembered how beautiful our drum major looked in
them. It was admiration rather than a urge to jump her bones. In fact I
never really have lusted after anyone. If I do not have intimate
feelings for a partner, I cannot get an erection.
Well anyway, I picked up the shorts and I immediately became
light-headed. I shook it off. I debated for about 20 minutes. It was a
struggle. Part of mean was pulling back and part of me was pushing into
the shorts. I put on the shorts. I was also hoping that when I pulled
them off, I would see a vagina and not a penis. I even prayed. I
tried to put on the boots but they were too small. It did not matter how
I would explain it to my family or the people I knew. I just wanted it
to happen. I put on the top and stuffed socks under for the sake of
cleavage. I prayed again.
That was about it until I was 18. I went to college on a music
scholarship and later married a girl my age and we had a child. After
the birth, sex stopped and so did our relationship. It was not a really
wise union. It was in this relationship that I first masturbated. I also
resumed crossdressing. You know what they say about hind sight. While we
were married I tried on her clothes and makeup. She was about my size
and her shoes sort of fit. It was not very fulfilling and I was
depressed most of the time because of our failing marriage. We divorced
and I never saw our daughter again.
By now, dumping the urge to be a female seemed to be the all purpose
answer. I thought if I purged this thing from myself, I would no longer
have trouble in my relationships. Part of throwing it out dealt with the
ol "relive your high school days" routine to get a grip on
reality. I looked up old girlfriends and so on but nothing came of it. I
stayed single and inactive for four years. I ran across a few girls and
they were either rough or psychotic.
I went to work overseas and met a foreign girl and we married. Seven
years and two lovely children later, we divorced. I also experienced a
bad sex life once again. Several times, when I was depressed, I tried on
her clothes and sometimes makeup. Each crossdressing episode in both
marriages immediately followed an argument or one of their acts of
ignoring me completely.
My feelings stayed hurt all the time now. I want womanhood now more
than ever. I have a theory as to why I want womanhood now as opposed to
the way I wanted it in childhood. Childhood was because I wanted more
attention from mom and dad. There is so much more detail and attention
to a girl than a boy. Even at that age I knew that.
It was my feminine side that was my downfall in both relationships. I
do not mean crossdressing or ideations of being female. I mean I was too
understanding and too sensitive. In other words, I was too much like a
woman for them to share the same house with me. I did the cooking,
sewing, cleaning, caring for the children, and laundry. No kidding and
no exaggeration. I saw how I treated them. Pampering, attending, and
loving totally without question was my modus operendai. I envied them
their lives.
I think that being a woman is more suited to how and who I am. I was
living alone and made my first and only order from Frederick's. I
ordered some high heeled shoes, a blond wig, and a body briefer. I
picked some panty hose from the store. If I had had the money I would
have bought breast forms and a mini dress too.
While I waited for my shipment, I began to work on my body. Overseas
you can buy almost anything at the local drug store. I bought two
different kinds of hormone. I was committed and ready to make a change.
I shaved my legs everyday, I would also use an epilady while I read or
watched television. I loved how my legs looked.
My shipment arrived and I immediately put on the body briefer then my
wig. By this time I had also purchased makeup and press on nails. The
shoes were very nice but it was almost impossible to walk in them. I
have to admit I didn't look half bad.
I took the hormones every day for three months. One was estrogen and
the other was an androgen suppressor. The day I noticed breasts growing
I was so happy. I shaved every part of my body I could reach. My breasts
were becoming a bit noticeable. I had to wear bagging shirts to work to
hide them. I was not ready to explain to the public why I was
"blossoming". I abandoned the pills with great regret because
my livelihood could have been jeopardy.
I dated a nurse for awhile and she was very helpful. She did not know
about my other side. Once again I said to myself, "What are you
doing??!" I remember the night I drove down the highway and threw
my female identity out the window. I was sure I was done with my
desires.
A short time later I fell in love again. This time with a very
wonderful person. I say person because to call her a girl is trite. She
is so much what I need. She does not know about my desire to be female
but she senses it I think. She will sometimes comment on how feminine my
legs are (she's right) and how soft I am as a person. We have no
children and don't plan to. The other night, I pretended I was a woman
seducing another woman. It was so erotic and satisfying. It was probably
the closest I have ever felt to her in a sexual sense.
I have been all over the WWW researching (hence I found you), and
reading stories and looking at photos. It has supercharged that part of
me and that is why I feel I need counseling. I thought I was finished
with this obsession. I plan to buy a Victorian corset next month. It
will be custom made for me and I intend to gradually get the hourglass
figure. I want to look good enough to pass in public.
I want and must know if this is for me. When I look at a woman's
breasts these days, I don't lust over them, I admire them and wonder how
to get mine to look like them. I roller coaster with my weight but I am
resolved to go to 160lbs. I know it is because I want to be able to
start crossing over to the other side. So I can pass as female. I want
to know what it is like and how it feels. I want to be a passable woman.
I don't think I could ever look sexy or attractive like some of the
transVs and preop/postop girls on the WWW. I do dream and desire and
wish to be an attractive girl. I want to show off my legs, have
cleavage, and long hair. I want to be that girl in the dream. Before I
close and await your reply I will show you my favorite ad in my fantasy
newspaper
Miracle Breakthrough!!! Ultra Potent and Fast Acting!!! New ID and
Wardrobe Upon Injection! Be the Girl of Your Dreams Now!!! Call 555-5555
for the Location Nearest You!
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