Transgender Advice - Kiss and Tell or Tell and Kiss?

I don't usually respond to emails as I just don't have enough time in the day. But one caught my eye and since he was troubled, I made an exception to see if I could help.

Here's what I sent:

In your email you ask:

"Do you consider the rights of everyone? Do you counsel transsexuals to disclose this information before damaging the psyche of a man who can't live with the thought of having kissed one who used to be a male?"

Well, first of all, I don't counsel anyone, especially on moral issues because those are really a matter of personal reflection. As for myself, back when I was dating, I never let things get "too far" before I shared my background. I just felt more comfortable that way, mainly 'cause I didn't want anyone's feelings hurt. So, the moment there was an indication that things might have an emotional component, I would share my past in a gentle manner.

I have to admit that I didn't always share before a kiss. After all, kisses often come unannounced. And I can tell you that the guy who was kissing me never divulged anything about his past before the kiss - like whether or not he had VD, whether he ever kissed a man, or whether he ever dressed as a girl in the privacy of his own home.

I would expect him to share that kind of information before we would live together, but not on a casual date. And so I would return to him the same courtesy.

Your next point was:"In my opinion, hormones, boob jobs, and inversion of the appendage doesn't make a man into a woman. And if you have any spiritual orientation, how can it be okay with God to tell Him that He made you wrong? It is an act of defiance and rebellion against God."

Well, I don't really agree with you here. First of all, I don't thin a baby born with a cleft palatte should not have surgery because it would be telling God He is wrong. Or, if someone is born deaf and a Cochlear implant would allow them to hear, should they not get it because it would be telling God He is wrong?

I believe we are here for a purpose - God's purpose. And I would never be so bold as to tell Him He was wrong because he chose to create me with a female brain in a male body. I have to accept that He had a purpose in making me that way. But, he also gave me free choice and mind with which I can seek to improve my lot. If he did not want it so, than anyone who builds a business or invents a new product or a new medical treatment would be telling God He is wrong. That cannot be how He sees it.

No, He gave me the tools to build on my original situation, which I have done in honor and celebration of HIs greatness.

Now you also said that you don't believe hormones, boobs, and a vagina don't make one a woman. I couldn't agree more. But what DOES make a woman a woman? I say it is the brain, the way it is wired. And I believe my brain was wired female. In fact, all recent tests on the brains of transsexuals have shown them to have a structure virtually identical to that of women, and not at all similar to that of men, be they straight or gay. This information simply bolsters what I already know to be true in my heart - that it is the mind that makes us male or female - the body simply gives us easy means of identifying the kind of brain inside.Your next comment was:

"I have met a transsexual who is having trouble living with the deception, the defiant rebellion against God, and never feels good about himself any more. There are always tears in his eyes. He can't fit in with Christians who are living the truth. He keeps himself isolated. But when he finds a mark, with whom he might carry on romantic desires, he closes in; but he still operates with victim-stance strategy, "if you knew what I've done in the past,you'd never accept me."

Well, everybody's got problems. Anyone, male or female who sees a potential love interest as a "mark" has got some serious problems. And if that person is transsexual on top of it, they have a LOT of issues. Clearly I think this person you say you know needs to work on that lack of respect for other human beings before they deal with any considerations caused by their transsexuality. After all, if they became a man again, he'd just look at every woman as a "mark" and probably did before changing sex. I suggest your friend gets some professional help.

And, certainly, anyone with that kind of disrespect for other human beings would never fit in with Christians, and when you say "Christians who are living the truth" you mean Christians who truly practice God's love and acceptance of everyone in their hearts and in their deeds. Makes sense that someone who sees others as "marks" would never fit in with those who hold others in love and respect. As for me, I have many Christian friends. Some applaud my life choices, other are philosophically against them, but none of them would ever show me disrespect for choices I have made based on many years of thoughtful prayer and soul-searching. We get along just fine."I understand what he's going through. I too have done something in the past that can never go away. I have to disclose the information about my past to any girl with whom I'm establishing a relationship. And it isn't fair to the rights of the other person if I don't. And I think the same thing goes for sex change. It isn't fair not to disclose that before any romantic or sexual behavior."

Sure. You seem to have your head on straight. You are one of the rare people who is right up front about your secrets that might hurt the feelings of others should they become close to you. On the other hand, you don't go up and down the street carrying a sign that proclaims your secret. None of us do unless we're a few bubbles off true.

No, I think you have it right. Live your life and don't feel you have to constantly crucify yourself in the eyes of others to make up for any guilt you might feel about secrets in your past. And you don't have to share everything with everyone. But if you realize a relationship is turning toward the romantic, then you divulge what you must and let it go, either way it comes down.

After all, no reason to feel guilty about what you can't change in the past. All you can do is try to live a better life in the present. And, if the person who are interested in is really the right one for you, then they will accept you for who you are, a hero and champion for having overcome problems of your past, be they poor behavior or the physical circumstances of your birth. Again, as for me, in those days long ago when I dated, I was never rejected after having divulged my past, partly because of my courtesy in being up-front when things got emotionally serious, and partly because they could see the truth and necessity of what I did in the past in the current person I have fully grown into being. You close by saying, "Please write and help me with my feelings. I have a headache that does not go away ever since I kissed that man. And he is expecting more, but I have to run."

No need for a headache. None of this was your fault. God would not hold you accountable for something you didn't know about. You shouldn't think you are greater than God and know better than He whether you should feel sullied. No, don't run. What your friend expects does not control you. And you don't need to be harsh and run away because you are afraid or feel dirty or don't want it to continue. Whether or not it continues is up to you and you alone. And if, as it clearly sounds from your tone, you don't want it to, just be honest, up-front, and Christian-like. Tell this person how you feel and that you are sorry, but you can't continue in the relationship because it is not what you are looking for.

"Blessings, Wes"

And may God bless you as well!

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